Thursday, September 30, 2010
Blog Post 5: Tension Killer
As the sun swept in through the window, she rose from her bed pushing the sheets onto the floor. Her husband had already left for work, and didn’t bother to leave any coffee. The pillows on the couch had lost their shape over the years. She picked a few up and stacked them on top of each other, then stretched out to lay her head down. While reaching for the remote, one of her slippers came off and fell to the ground. She flicked through the channels. Nothing was on. She stood up and went to the back door to let some air in; the house was stuffy. The bulb in the lamp next to her had burned out. She went to the kitchen to find another, but realized there were none. She picked a book up off the coffee table and returned to the couch to start reading. The day went by slowly. At 9pm she fell down into bed and slept for ten hours.
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Becky...
ReplyDeleteThe play by play of this does kill the tension, but at the same time I was drawn in by some of the descriptions. Such as the lost shape of the pillows, stuffy house, and burnt of lamp. There are definitely some images in here that set the mood of this, and I get the sense that the woman is having some kind of problem in her life. It also makes me ask the question, why is she home? Why doesn't she work? I think this would be a good piece to revise later and add in tension and energy. It's definitely something you could work with and turn into something.
This definitely has great detail and is really meticulous in describing the menial events of the day-to-day activities of this piece, very interesting and creative.
ReplyDeleteAlthough this piece had no measurable tension in it, I still feel like it works. The short and straight to the point sentences painted a picture for me and really drew me into the story. In a way there was tension, I wanted to know why she stayed in the house all day. It bothers me that there was not explaination but this is what holds my attention. I'm anxious about what's going to happen next.
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